Humanity's Tightest
by ikcuts
Summary: What started out as a simple joke that slipped from Erwin's lips and transferred to a nearby eavesdropper, quickly cascaded into a chaotic, unstoppable, perverted joke.


What started out as a simple joke that slipped from Erwin's lips and transferred to a nearby eavesdropper, quickly cascaded into a chaotic, unstoppable, perverted joke.

"Levi, you're more like _Humanity's Tightest_," the commander said, coming out of his bedroom with Levi after a round of sex.

Unluckily, Eren was in the hallway at that time, and he heard. He tried to suppress himself from laughing by covering his mouth with both hands. He _had_ to tell someone this.

"Hey, Connie," Eren nudged his friend while they were sitting next to each other during lunch, "Guess what I heard the commander say about the captain."

"Oh my god, what?" Connie was into gossip now, Sasha got him into it. That and he just loved to laugh.

"He called him Humanity's Tightest," Eren immediately bursted out into laughter after finishing.

Connie erupted into the loudest laughter anyone has ever heard, and that's why nearly everyone was staring at them now.

"What, what is it?" Sasha was the first one to ask, always curious.

Eren told her, and she laughed right with Connie, who was doubled over.

Sasha told Jean, who twisted his face into an expression of disgust, but said that it was funny. Sasha told Ymir and Krista, and Jean told Mikasa and Armin. Everyone started to tell everyone about it, and soon, everyone's stomachs hurt from their laughter. By the end of the lunch hour, everyone in the Survey Corps knew, even Hange.

The rest of the day only could be described as something like a game of 'avoid-making-eye-contact-with-the-captain-or-you'll-burst-out-laughing'.

The rest of the _week_, however, Levi noticed something was wrong. People started to giggle whenever they saw him, people wouldn't directly listen to him, and even the older people in the Survey Corps blushed when they talked to him.

Levi was frustrated, so he went to talk to Erwin about it.

"Maybe they just found something out about you? Do you have any embarrassing secrets?" Erwin responded.

By now, the comment Erwin made after that round of sex was forgotten from their minds. Levi could think of nothing embarrassing.

"Well, I don't know what to do about it."

"Just be a little more assertive. Perhaps I can ask some people about it?"

"Yes, I would like that very much."

Erwin, in fact, did ask people about it.

He decided it was best if Levi didn't hear the answer he got.

Soon, people started to forget about the joke and moved on. That didn't stop it from getting outside of the Survey Corps.

Apparently Hange was the one to tell one of her friends in the Garrison about what Eren heard the commander say, and that's when it became a joke in the Garrison.

Innocence soon spread to teasing and perversion.

One day, the commander and the captain had a meeting with Dot Pixis and the rest of the Garrison. When Erwin and Levi walked into their headquarters, chaos erupted.

"Humanity's Tightest," it was naked to Levi's ears, finally.

"What did you call me?" Levi asked the person who just barely whispered it. They only giggled. Levi 'tch'ed and kept walking with Erwin.

"Hey, Captain Levi, heard you're pretty tight, huh?" One male said. "Did the commander enjoy that?"

"What the fuck? What are all of you insane pigs talking about?" Levi raised his voice this time.

"_Humanity's Tightest_," there it was again.

Levi scanned the hallway for the person who said that, but only got giggles in response.

"Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on?" By now, Erwin had stopped walking along with Levi.

"Levi, I think someone heard me call you that," he said.

Levi's heart sank, "What?"

"That someone is Eren. He heard me say it and told everyone…"

"Oh," Levi started. "Oh, no. That brat is going to fucking _pay_ for this." Levi marched the opposite direction and out the headquarters' door.

Levi jumped into the carriage, "Come on, Erwin. We're going to make them all pay."

Soon, they both got to the Survey Corps' headquarters, burst into the lunchroom, and everyone who was talking went silent.

"Where is Eren Yeager?!" Levi yelled.

Everyone pointed at the boy who cowered in his seat.

Levi stomped over to him, took him by the collar, and dragged him to his office, Erwin following.

Once there, Levi asked, "What made you think you could tell everyone about what Commander Smith said, hm? If you ever hear something private like that, don't tell anyone, you brat."

"I'm sorry, sir! I thought it was funny!"

"Well, your funny joke got me humiliated and made me leave an important meeting."

Eren slumped, "I'm sorry, captain. How can I make it up to you?"

Levi grinned that grin that made _Erwin_ scared.

Again, nearly everyone in the Survey Corps was laughing. Levi even invited the Garrison over to see.

Eren was tied against the chair, right in front of the SC headquarters, covered in dirt, and had a sign on that said, 'I'm so dirty, even Levi doesn't want to clean me.'


End file.
